i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
