you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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