The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
