Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
