she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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