What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
