If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
