Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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