I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
