Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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