also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
