Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
tell me about the eggs
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