So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
