my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
