My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
