dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
