he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
