All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
