If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
