Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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