so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
sex in a hospital.. check
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
