Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
