"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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