dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
