I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
