is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just found puke in my bra..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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