How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
