nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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