Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
