I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
