i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
