If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
