News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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