So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
