so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My life is pants optional.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
