Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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