as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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