Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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