some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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