y did u give ur computer a hand job?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
