Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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