Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
