Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
