ya dads aren't the best wingmen
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
