God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
