***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
