barbara walters just said penis...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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