I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
