I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
