I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
