Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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