The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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